Lost Finale: All Dogs go to Heaven

The following post contains spoilers. If you haven’t seen the Lost tv series finale, please come back later.

I’m not someone who spends a lot of time watching TV, let alone blogging about it, but the Lost finale has drawn me out. And the reason has to do with the Ultimate Question from my Catholic upbringing:

Who gets to go to Heaven?

Sages and clerics have struggled with this query ever since the concept of Heaven was created. For the most part, they have kept their answers nice and simple by focusing on who doesn’t get to go to Heaven.

So after watching the Flash-Sideways church scene near the end of the show and concluding that this depicted the main characters coming together in the afterlife, I have come away with the Ultimate Answers:

1. Murderers get to go to Heaven, quite to the contrary of Catholic dogma. Just look at the all the characters in the church who killed people over the course of the show: Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and the list goes on and on. Hugo even invites Benjamin Linus inside, despite the fact he is a mass murderer and probably the most evil guy on the show. Go figure.

2. There are no lawyers in Heaven. Sure this is an old joke, but the character Ilana Verdanski, the Flash-sideways attorney who helps Claire with her adoption, doesn’t wind up in Heaven even though she spent her whole life protecting Jacob’s candidates. She gets beat up, hospitalized, and blown to bits for her trouble, but no eternal reward. That’s harsh.

3. Interrogators who torture and murder get to go to Heaven. Thanks to Sayid, untold numbers of CIA operatives can now sleep peacefully.

4. Physicists don’t get to go to Heaven. Daniel Faraday is stuck in Purgatory playing classical piano in a bad rock band. Maybe his working knowledge of the space-time continuum condemns him to atheism or something. Or maybe he has eternity to get over the fact that Sawyer got some noogie from the redhead while he was playing cop.

5. Alcoholics and drug addicts get to go to Heaven, even if they were lousy fathers. What a relief! Just kidding.

6. Mothers who bear children out-of-wedlock get to go to Heaven. I’m not sure where the Church stands on this. Maybe it’s ok to enter as long as you feel really guilty about it your whole life.

7. Adulterers get to go to Heaven. Sun had an affair with her English teacher, who may also have been the baby-daddy. Her hubby was being a prick at the time, so I guess she gets a pass.

8. Arm-breakers get to go to Heaven. Jin busted people up for a living while working for his spouse’s father. What? There were no open positions in the mail room?

9. Con men get to go to Heaven. Sawyer does a lot of noble stuff on the show, despite himself. Sure, a con man was responsible for his parent’s death, but why would someone want to turn into the very person they obsess about murdering for revenge?

10. All dogs get to go to Heaven. Jack doesn’t have to die alone thanks to the pooch. Nice touch; got me all choked up.

So there you have it. This could go on forever, I suppose, since there were so many characters. But in the final analysis, I take great comfort in the notion that the neighbors in the afterlife won’t all be chanting “Drill, baby, drill!”

About Rich
FlexRex began his life as a cartoon character I created a Sun Microsystems. As the world's first "fictional blogger," he appeared in numerous parody films that made fun of the whole work-from-home thing. Somewhere along the line, the Sun IT department adopted FlexRex as their spokesman in a half-dozen security awareness films for employees. So when I left Sun recently, I started FlexRex Communications, a Marketing company in Portland, Oregon.

2 Responses to Lost Finale: All Dogs go to Heaven

  1. Paul Kasper says:

    This post is brilliant. I’ve read a lot of Lost last episode posts and articles, and this take was never talked about. Great stuff.

  2. Maurice says:

    Sayid gave his life in the end to save the others on the submarine, so this may have earned him the ticket to heaven. Charlie also gave his life to save Desmond, I think, but he was reformed already (although apparently not in purgatory). Maybe Faraday, as a physicist, is an athiest who has to come to believe in God while in purgatory?

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